Agreement in Marriage Just to get things started when we did this program, we had a couple in the audience get into a fight. It was great. The faces of all the other couples in the room were fun to watch. The audience came alive, and we had a great time talking about the concept of agreement before getting into the talk. I. How to View Conflict The concepts in the first half are taken almost exclusively from the book How to Bring out the Best in your Spouse by H Norman Wright, and Dr. Gary Oliver. Two Ways to Interpret Conflict Gary Oliver points out that conflict is a fact of life because we all come from different perspectives, personality types, backgrounds, and we all have values we hold tightly. Conflict can be negative in your home, or it can be positive. Conflict as a Negative: Conflict is negative when it is out of control. People in the family express their perspective in a harsh, or controlling ways, resulting in everyone going for cover. Or they seethe in resentment and bitterness over perceived or real violations building impenetrable walls between family members. The process of growing into an intimate relationship involves conflict. Since many of us avoid it like the plague we don’t grow, we don’t change, we don’t get close, we don’t experience intimacy. We stay stuck in the rut of mediocrity. The positive response says: A relationally healthy couple doesn’t avoid, suppress, repress, deny, or ignore conflict. Rather they see it as an opportunity: We can solve a problem. Related Topics Impact of Selfishness on Conflict
II. Win-Win Conflict Resolution Introduction: Realize and Acknowledge: “Houston, we have a problem!” Commit, and follow through on getting together at some time in the near future to come to clarity on the issue at hand, and find solutions. What are the Facts? Answer the who, what, where, when, why and how questions. What did I interpret those facts to mean? Am I correct? Often based on what we see, we interpret the motives of the other person, or put meaning to what we see. If each person is able to share their interpretation of what is happening a lot of things can be clarified. What emotions have I been feeling and what am I feeling now? These need to be real emotions not, "I feel like you are not listening to me." If you add "like" of "that" to feel you are not talking about feelings. "I feel angry", or "I feel sad", are real statements of feelings. Let’s define the problem! Come to an agreement on what is the actual issue. What is my contribution to the problem? What are the Possible Solutions? By this time you know what doesn’t work. Make a list of what you’ve tried that hasn’t worked. Then make a list of what you haven’t tried. Talk to some other individuals or couples who’ve been in a similar situation. What worked for them? Be careful not to ignore a potential solution just because you don’t think it will work. Get as many ideas as possible on your list. Look them over. Talk about them. You may find that pieces of two or three different ideas come together to provide a solution neither one of you had considered. Which solution will we attempt? Discuss and decide on a mutually acceptable solution. If you can’t decide, flip a coin. It’s better to try something that might work than something that is a proven failure. Remember that, “Crazy is to find out what doesn’t work and to keep on doing it.” If the first solution you try doesn’t work, then move on to the next option. It may take three or four attempts before you find something that works. Take Action! List the specific steps involved and who is responsible to do what. What are the specific steps involved in the solution?
Just do it! Don’t wait for the best time. Start now.
How did the solution work?
When you’ve given your plan adequate time, it’s important to get together and discuss the results. How well has this solution worked? Now you have the opportunity as a couple to look at one issue you are facing. You may want to go through these questions, or take the time to talk about other things.
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